Sometimes I don’t like me. I get kind of whiney. Well, OK, I get a lot whiney. Then I want to leave me and go to Mexico. But I know that I would be taking me with me and somehow “me” would find something to whine about in Mexico too.
I wonder who this person is I call me and why I can’t leave her in Mexico. So I read a line from my favorite poem by an anonymous poet that I read 20 years ago or so: “It is rewarding to find someone whom you like, but it is essential to like yourself.”
I might need to listen to this since “me” found her way back from Mexico.
Then I remember that I have that other me inside of me who is rather critical. She makes me want to eat chocolate — lots of chocolate. But then I just criticize me about eating chocolate for breakfast (and lunch and dinner). What is there to do about me? I go to the next line of my favorite poem, “It is quickening to recognize that someone is a good and decent being — But it is indispensable to view yourself as acceptable.” Could it be that I am wrong about, well, about me?
I continue with the third line in this poem, “It is a delight to discover people who are worthy of respect, admiration and love but it is vital to believe yourself deserving of these things.” I wonder what would happen if I entertained the thought that I was worthy. Would I have to give up that shoe fetish I have going on? Lots of shoes are the meaning of happiness aren’t they? I think that it was me who just thought that.
I read the next line of my poem, “For you cannot find yourself in someone else.” Well that is just plain scary. I know me pretty well and let’s just say the grass looks much greener anywhere but here — with me. Never mind that others often let me down and they seem to frown on those 3 a.m. phone calls. And let’s face it, they don’t really understand — me.
With caution I read the next line of the poem (as I do not have any money right now to go to Mexico or to buy a new pair of shoes). It says, “Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never leave or lose.” I know this is true because I have made several trips to Mexico to try and lose me and my me is still here. I’ve also tried to drown out parts of me in many interesting ways and it turns out I am a pretty good swimmer!
The last stanza states, “To the question of your life, you are the only answer — to the problem of your life, you are the only solution.”
So now I get it. This me inside me is not going anywhere. But if I quit running, I do worry that this me will whine me to death. I suppose it is time to find out as all these other solutions have not worked for — me. Besides, these shoes are hurting my feet, chocolate gives me a headache and that Mexican beer just isn’t all that good.
Kelly White is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Sheridan. Although she is irrational around chocolate, she has not been to Mexico in many years and (if you don’t count her golf shoes), she only owns a few pairs of shoes. “Center Stage is written by friends of the Senior Center for the Sheridan Community. It is a collection of insights and stories related to living well at every age.”