The Mailbag is back! And it’s back in a good way, like the Cubs post All-Star break back, not like Patrick Ewing’s bad back back. Back like Jordan wearing the 4-5 back.
CUBS ARE VERY MUCH BACK
— Mark Titus (@clubtrillion) July 15, 2017
It’s also in part to not getting enough mailbag questions. I get hounded by plenty of enthusiastic sports fans out there; I know you have questions. Send ‘em my way.
But, we’re finally back. Like MTV’s “The Challenge” season 30, back. Here’s what you folks had for me this time around:
If LeBron beats up Kyrie, which group of Dukies would have the best chance of exacting revenge for the former Blue Devil: The Plumlees, the J Cole Haircuts (Okafor, Winslow, Tyus), Austin Rivers or Ryan Kelly and Kyle Singler? — Ben
Not the Plumlees. They’re fake tough. They’re perfectly-crafted-sandwiches-with-the-crust-cut-off-by-mom tough. They definitely had a Goalrilla basketball hoop in their driveway that none of the other neighborhood kids were allowed to play on. Austin Rivers only cares about Austin Rivers, and the J Coles weren’t around Duke enough to bleed Krzyzewski blue. I’ll take Singler and Kelly, because they’re kind of grimey. I picture it like that video of Steve Blake throwing hands at a Maryland pick-up game back in the day.
If you could go on a Michael Greller (Jordan Spieth’s caddie; former math teacher) type journey, what sport would it be and who would you be working with? — Josh
It has to be golf, right? Being a caddie is as directly connected as you can get. Being a coach would be cool, and I’d be much better at that than teaching anybody anything about putting, but you’re not fully involved. It’s amazing how little love caddies get in the grand scheme of things. I’d probably say Rickie Fowler, because he has a good shot of climbing the leaderboard (you want to be around on Sunday), and he’s definitely the most fun guy on tour. If he wins that thing, the private jet to Bali will be like Vegas on steroids. Runner-up would be hype man at a Travis Scott concert.
What’s the most prestigious sporting event that would be the worst to attend in person? — Ty
Seat location plays a big factor, but for the Mailbag’s sake, we’ll assume you’re somewhere in the middle of Jack Nicholson and nosebleeds. So, the Olympics. There is so much going on all over the dang place that no matter what event you attend, you’ll probably regret missing another. It’d be great to see Usain Bolt defy the laws of physics, but 9.69 seconds later, you’d be sitting there waiting to watch the steeplechase. Even in the pool, you’re rarely getting Phelps and Ledecky. You’ll see a lot of randomly average swimming from a bizarre angle before you catch a glimpse of history. Plus, Zika.
Which wrestler has the best theme music? — Ryan
There are plenty of bangers in the world of professional wrestling. Shawn Michaels sang his own theme song about how sexy Shawn Michaels is. That’s iconic. The Undertaker’s theme will give you nightmares, and Hulk Hogan’s theme could have been considered a replacement national anthem before Hulk Hogan sued Gawker and changed journalism forever (no bitterness here). But when the glass shatters at the beginning of Stone Cold’s theme music, you’re immediately prepared for the hell that is about to be raised.
This column has plenty of Stone Cold bias, but “Glass Shatters” is an American treasure. If wrestling music could make the Billboard charts — Can it? Why not? — this would be Beatles level, “Dark Side of the Moon” territory. It’s clearly better than both of those, but you get the point. The first dance at my wedding will be “Glass Shatters.” It’ll be played before I walk into the courtroom before my eventual divorce. Play it at my funeral and Stunner me into my casket.
Send questions to the Mike P. Mailbag at MikePMailbag@gmail.com.