The Mike P. Mailbag is back. I’ve been on hiatus for a couple months, but it’s time to get back to answering your burning questions, although, not many of you are sending them in. Either I’m doing a really good job feeding your sports fix ahead of these mailbags, or I’m doing a very poor job promoting the mailbag.
You guys should definitely send in your questions.
For now, I’ll just dive to the bottom of the barrel and answer the few questions that my unemployed, basement dwelling amigos send in because they’ve got nothing better to do.
“I think it’s fair to assume you’re an Indiana University basketball fan. Can you tell me your five favorite IU players?”
— James D. Webb
That’s a fair assumption James. You must be a reader of my columns. I could go all day about Indiana legends, but that would only make me second guess my top five. I’ll give you my top three off the top of my head: Tom Coverdale, AJ Moye, Victor Oladipo.
Coverdale is a no brainer. He was a legend at my high school, so I grew up watching him. He led — on a bum ankle, mind you — Indiana to its only national championship appearance in my lifetime, and he’s shared amazing stories with me since then. Dude’s a legend.
Moye made the greatest play in Indiana history by a guy not named Keith Smart. His block on Carlos Boozer to beat Duke in 2002 is something I’ll tell my grandkids about. He was one of the hardest working undersized big men in the game. He had no place in the Big Ten, yet he more than belonged. Oladipo was a pure athlete but a guy who took full advantage of the system he was in to become a top-three NBA draft pick.
“Running with the bulls, swimming with sharks or going to a campaign rally: which is scarier?”
Appropriate timing on this one. This election reminds me of an Amy Schumer movie. “Trainwreck,” that’s the one. While a campaign rally would be entertaining and should be informative, I just can’t get into it. The majority of the people that go to those and get into those have very different personalities than me, and that’s scary, because I’m charming (winks, shoots finger guns).
But swimming with sharks? Yeah, forget that. Sharks eat people, bro. Bulls are massive beasts, but a broken rib can be fixed. Maybe you get gored and die, but a shark will eat you. I’ve seen “Deep Blue Sea.” A freaking shark ate Samuel L. Jackson like a nice panini.
“Who fell off harder, Xzibit or Nelly?”
— Ryan Dwyer
Who? Just kidding. But some of you might seriously be asking who the heck Xzbit and Nelly are. Both rappers, but you probably know Xzbit from his time pimping rides on MTV. Nelly made that “Going down, down baby” song. This is subjective, I feel. I mean both are pretty much out of the limelight, but Nelly was way higher at one point, probably making his fall from grace harder by default. His album County Grammar has sold more than 10 million copies. Again, Xzibit is known for putting fish tanks in Honda Civics. Country Grammar is timeless, so Xzbit’s fall is much harder.
“If you could attend one sporting event where you’re the only person in attendance, where are you going?”
I’m going with the Masters. Augusta National to myself? Sign me up. I could heckle Phil on one hole and trot across the fairway to high-five Rickie Fowler at the next. Galleries are boring at golf events anyway, especially the Masters. Just tons of jabronies standing around blocking views being boring. I’d probably get kicked out within an hour for being obnoxious. It wouldn’t be hard to find out who the obnoxious guy is. Wrestlemania is a close second, but wrestling fans are the best, so I’d prefer to be surrounded by those guys.
Send your questions to the Mike P. Mailbag at firstname.lastname@example.org.