Column: Fantasy football is so cool right now, man

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The Baltimore Ravens don’t deserve national television anymore with all these electricity delays.

Last night in Denver for the NFL opener, we couldn’t even blame it on Beyonce. If you liked it, you should have put a back-up generator on it.

Cue the Rahim Moore play again!

What is he talking about? I don’t know, mom, just keep reading.

Football is back!

And Bob Costas trying to be magnanimous about a sport, and big umbrellas for Rodney Harrison and Tony Dungy. Best time of the year.

More importantly, that means fantasy football.

I honestly don’t know how many Sheridan Press readers play fantasy football.

If you don’t, humor me. If you do, you’ll know what I’m saying when I call it the second best part of football season.
The best part is obviously watching your favorite team play, and hopefully win.

Fantasy football is a great thing for a guy like me who has the majority of his friends living in different towns. It’s special in that I can beat them at something while assembling a series of crafty words delivered through message boards and texts, slowly dropping their sports fan self-esteem — no matter if I’m not as tough or maybe even as smart as they are. Something about the NFL brings out the best in all of us.

Fantasy is wonderful for so many reasons.  Through fantasy football guys have further found a way to trick women into letting them watch the sport for an entire day.

“Honey, I put up the house against my team finishing in the top three this year. If we finish top five, Tim moves into the basement and Lou gets the truck.

“Just let me watch in peace, OK?”

But it’s not just for guys. Women play fantasy football, too, which vaults the prevailing sport itself that much closer to world domination. Uh oh, hurry, someone fire Goodell and get rid of Jaworksi. I really don’t know how Jaworksi made it out of that Monday Night Football booth with snarling John Gruden alive.

Even without the gambling, fantasy football is enjoyable. Maybe it’s because I’m not a degenerate. Just kidding, all you silly gamblers.

Honestly though, the opportunity to talk trash like a college student (because I never do that other times) to my buddies is one of my favorite things. Even though that trash talk hinges on which professional football player you selected for your fictional team in order to score more points than his fictional team.

Somehow it all feels real. Because it is. Aaron Rodgers knows what I sacrificed in terms of running backs to take him in an early round for the past three years. And it paid off last year when I beat all 11 of my friends, finishing as league champion. I mean, I don’t know what it says about where I sit on the hierarchy of needs, but that ranked pretty high in my 2012 as a whole. Heck, that was a crowning achievement of my current “five-year plan.” Eat your heart out college counselor, all I want is “a job” and to win my fantasy football league with my closest friends. That’s what matters in life. Sheesh. Some people’s priorities.

Does it matter that maybe seven of them paid league fees? No. Sort of. Modern nobility is winning at being smarter at being a football fan who watches lots of football. Think that sounded stupid? Probably.

However, fantasy football is a cheap way to watch the sport. Be careful, or you’ll find yourself rooting against your favorite team when Jamaal Charles is in the backfield, the Chiefs on the five yard line, your favorite team is up by 20, so you start thinking maybe it’s alright if Charles punches one into the end zone. No. That is not OK.

Treason! Don’t let your sullied fantasy football desires get in the way of the team for which you’ve hemorrhaged years of your life.

Take advice from whomever you’d like, but don’t take any columnist too seriously. Because make no mistake, fantasy football is for nerds. And right now being a nerd is so dang cool, man.  If you’re between the ages of 15 and 60 and don’t play fantasy football, then you’re probably still making Chuck Norris jokes and cutting up fruit in your grape nuts.

Get with the program, grab a Twitter handle and hashtag your way into the new millennium, jock. Booger just stole your girlfriend after Doug Martin scored him 40 points by way of a astute pick-up on the waiver wire. (“Revenge of the Nerds” reference, keep up).

Fantasy analysis is easy. Watch: If you drafted Jay Cutler, know that for nine out of the 14 weeks he’ll play “whatever face” quarterback, throwing for less than 40 yards, one half of a touchdown and two picks while acting like your fantasy team doesn’t even exist. Jay Cutler is a dog playing dumb as you try to get him to go outside. He doesn’t care about your fantasy team. I don’t know if he even cares about the Chicago Bears team.

There’s one important rule in fantasy football, trash talk is healthy and builds camaraderie. The more the better. In an effort to prevent hurt feelings, find a league of your closest friends where even the silliest jokes will be appreciated.

Plus, it’s a great way to slack off at work. Don’t believe me? I just wrote a column about it.

By |September 6th, 2013|

About the Author:

Sheridan Press sports editor