Column: Disjointed happiness due to basketball overexposure

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Sideline reporters are the dumbest thing.

Case in point, round 2 game featuring Michigan vs. South Dakota State. SDSU came out lively and scrappy, because that’s what small colleges do in the first rounds of the tournament while big schools (Michigan) can’t help but overlook them. Because, really, South Dakota State? I’m big bad blue from the Big 10, what’s a jackrabbit? Is that the nothing rectangle state or the other nothing rectangle state?

By the way, the term “scrappy” is just racist sports commentary code for white kid basketball player. “Role player” or “kid with a lot of heart” are all ways of saying that the kid is maximizing skill with hard work and has nothing to do with the fact that he might have a little bit of capability and everything to do with his being Caucasian.

Back to my point.

Longlost ESPN reporter, now Turner Sports sideline reporter Rachel Nichols describing Michigan coach John Beilein after their slow start in the first five minutes: “He was yelling, screaming, clapping, cajoling….”

Well, yeah. Wait, Cajoling? Obviously he was cajoling, because lots of coaches cajole. What is this, English 4550?

Verne Lundquist: “Hey Rachel, what’s John plan on doing in the second half to get his players going?”

Rachel: “Well Verne, John told me as he was heading into the locker room that he planned to grab a piece of flint and some kindling in order to literally light a fire under the chairs of his players. Because, and I quote, he said: “I want to light a real fire under them.”

Verne: “Thanks, Rachel.”

Lundquist is so old and slow that when something fast happens in the game he can’t even properly articulate the concept of fast. The only place it’s fun to hear him talk is in Augusta at the Masters. Masters naps are the best. Just wake me up for the final six holes Sunday afternoon.

“Who the hell is Happy Gilmore?”

Part of me thinks that Rick Pitino is just a robot and the only reason he looks 20 years older than he did 20 years ago is simple advancement in High Definition television. It’s not doing him any favors. Someone probably tweeted that. #LouisvillewilllosetoCSUSaturday

If you watch games online there’s actually a “tweets per minute” tracker, which tells me absolutely nothing about anything. Lots of people are watching basketball this week, I guess? No kidding.

Tweets are stupid. Sure, I have a Twitter account. A loyal 20 followers follow my sporadic tweets that I tweet twice a month. Big time. Just speaking Twitter language makes me feel like I have real bad grammar. Real bad. Tweeter. Stupid. I hope it goes away.

Commercial break! There’s a Fast and Furious 6? Awesome. I can’t wait to watch The Rock and Vin Diesel flex their delts and grunt at each other while Paul Walker creep stares at everyone between tank vs. Lamborghini fights for two hours. Modern movies are so creative.

Back to the game…cue the catchy (crappy) radio pop song that nobody wants to listen to while clips of players shooting basketballs and dunking basketballs run in a music video like sequence that gets me oh so ampy amped back up for the second half. Sometimes I do wonder how they cut those clips together so quickly. CBS isn’t just for old folks, people.

It sure is nice that they design all of the hardwood the same simple color. I want it to be thrown in my face in which neutral site these two teams are playing basketball, so I can whine about how non-neutral the site actually is.

Do it up like Madison Square Garden. Jesus himself played basketball here. This is the cathedral of hoops, and you will recognize. Wait, there it is in real boring text along the baseline: Palace of Auburn Hills. We’re in Michigan. The No. 4 seed Michigan gets to play at home. That’s stupid.

A bunch of my friends were on spring break this week and we got together in various ways, the Internet and in person, both very real, and gambled by way of brackets. The money is secondary to the trash talk, which is absolutely the point.

If someone broadcast me filling out my bracket on ESPN, I’d pick America. Notice I didn’t say if I was president. Nobody wants that.

Speaking of people who are smarter than me, Harvard! The Mountain West did its usual face-falling act off the stage Thursday. Colorado State looked very good, but UNLV lost to Cal and New Mexico lost to Harvard.

Because, Tommy Amaker. Go Dukies. Fun with Google: Type in Tommy Amaker and you’ll find almost as many pictures of Michael Jordan at UNC as you will Amaker at Duke.

I wanted so badly for Montana to beat Syracuse last night. Obviously that didn’t happen. Montana scored like 11 points. The Big East without big fan bases and big ESPN support is smalltime basketball with bad discipline, poor shooting and no real depth. See Pittsburgh, Marquette. I think they need to shut up a little.

Waahhh the Big East is dying. It’s great. I want to see Jim Boeheim try to catch a football shot out of a throwing machine. He’s probably about as good as any of the players in last year’s Big East.

I bet I could cajole him into it.

Cajoling defined: “Persuade someone to do something by sustained coaxing or flattery.”

By |March 22nd, 2013|

About the Author:

Sheridan Press sports editor