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The NFL draft has become a three-day televised event, with hours upon hours of played-up argumentative speculation by ESPN from behind a desk and a podium. More than 800 media credentials are issued to cover the NFL Combine. All this, while no actual football games are played. The following are things that actually happened last night on live television, spattered with a fair amount of sarcastic observational humor. If you’re looking for a piece with in-depth draft analysis, this is not it.
I tune into ESPN radio while driving home to watch the first round of the 2013 NFL draft, and Merril Hoge is talking about the New York Jets and how this draft is most important to them out of the entire field of teams.
Former-players and coaches who become broadcasters are put into vocabulary classes before they go on-air, and Hodge had done his homework before Thursday night.
“I don’t really think Mark Sanchez is as bad as we all think he is,” Hodge spouts, intelligently. “The New York Jets were bereft of talent in their periphery,” or something. But he said ‘bereft, and he said periphery.
Mark Sanchez isn’t that bad. What?
Now to the televised event.
There is literally a line of smiling guys in suits carrying NFL team hats inside glass cases into Radio City Music Hall. I bet Mel Kiper’s hair lives in a glass case, like a terrarium next to his bed. He probably feeds it mice at night.
I think John Gruden wants to fight me. I don’t know him and I don’t think he can see me through the television, but man, I think he wants to fight me.
Pick 1 Chiefs: This is one of those rare times when you get to see Andy Reid without a hat on. Weird. Oh look, they picked some whocares offensive tackle.
Boring, fast forward to Pick No. 2.
Hey Chiefs, good luck stopping Peyton Manning and the Broncos with that OT from Central Michigan.
Should’ve just drafted a mobile quarterback so you can unjustly bench Alex Smith midway through the season.
Pick 2 Jaguars: Berman said “New Uniforms” three times while talking about what the Jaguars have going for them in 2013. Uh oh, he’s out of breath already and lack of oxygen to his brain is stopping productive thoughts at an already unproductive televised event.
Jacksonville, the only thing that will help you is an entire team trade and stadium relocation to Los Angeles.
Luke Joeckel, tackle, Texas A&M….OK, whatever, another linemen. Cool. Miami has made the playoffs like once since they took Jake Long first overall. Pick more fast wide receivers so Kiper can slur his words in anger at your stupidity.
Hey look, the Raiders are next, they’ll pick a guy solely because of his 40-time. Can’t wait.
John Gruden: “Joekel’s just a puppy Mel,” great comment. Please don’t hit me, John.
Kiper looks like that scientist Muppet “Beaker” whose head is nearly separated at the mouth and claps together when it talks.
Pick 3 Raiders: Berman is really struggling now. Six words per minute, no more, no less.
TRADE: Raiders spoil everyone’s jokes at their expense and trade their pick to the Dolphins. Quitting is always an option, Oakland.
Miami picks unproven Oregon linebacker. Gruden no like. Gruden upset. Gruden grimace. “He doesn’t play at Oregon, with their defense it’s like hockey. He gets a line change every six plays,” hilarious.
It’s Miami, who cares. They win NBA titles not Super Bowls.
Let’s go down to Suzy Kolber with the interview: This guy just said it’s his first time at the NFL Draft. Ha. No kidding, you’ve never been drafted in the NFL before? Crazy.
Why is everyone pronouncing Oregon “OregON” tonight? Quit it.
Pick 4 Eagles: Lane Johnson, tackle, Oklahoma: Well, he’s from Oklahoma so he’ll lose at least two games every season, preventing a championship, and if he gets there, they’ll lose by 35 points to an SEC team. Boomer Sooner.
Mel, please don’t call anything that happens tonight an “amazing turn of events,” three offensive linemen will go in the first five. Short of a Sean Payton vs. Roger Goodell fist-fight on the stage, nothing that happens here will be an “amazing turn of events.” This is all so trivial. You’re trivial. Your fake hair is the realest thing about you. I bet your wife is the only one who takes your Mock Drafts seriously anymore. Does she hang them on the fridge like when you painted a pretty picture in Kindergarten? Sheesh.
Muppet jokes No. 2: Adam Shefter and Mort look like those two old disagreeable muppets that sit up in the balcony.
Adam: “A big night for offensive linemen.” Translated: bad television.
Welp, Berman is making Lego analogies now. “You need offensive lineman like you need squares and rectangles to build a fort. An NFL team is a lego fort. Good Berman. Wow. I’m not going to make it through pick 7. Who let Berman skip vocab class again?
Pick 5 Lions: Hey look, it’s Barry Sanders to announce the Lions pick. This would get a lot better for everyone if you played Barry Sanders highlights, please. I love Barry Sanders highlights: Spin moves.
Ezekiel Ansah DE BYU. How many defensive linemen do the Lions need? Eventually some of them will have to be played both ways to prevent Matt Stafford from being sacked and ultimately killed.
Let’s end this on a positive note. Defensive end from BYU? Reminds me of Brett Keisel (Greybull, Wyoming guy, Super Bowl winner). Probably a good investment.
Ok, that’s enough of that.
If you’re looking for some live football action, remember to follow the Wyoming spring game tomorrow in Laramie.
There are no UW guys to watch for in the later rounds of this weekend’s draft, but there’s a good chance Cowboys wideout Robert Herron will make his way there next year.
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