Don’t worry Rockies fans, there’s always the sweet embrace of death
Date posted: August 2, 2013
I’ve spoken ad nauseum about the pain that comes with being a Rockies fan, and how like the thick summer heat that agony only increases with exposure.
Here are a few things you can do instead of watching the Rockies shrink further into obscurity.
Take a lesson from Riley Cooper
His first mistake was going to a Kenny Chesney concert. Sometimes when my radio misbehaves and “Dirt Road Anthem” or something comes on, I feel like chewing up and swallowing a Kenny Chesney or Jason Aldean compact disc would feel better than listening to the actual music.
I longed ever so much for something to take Tim Tebow coverage off ESPN’s preseason NFL runaround, but I didn’t think that would be some dummy using racial slurs in 2013 and Aaron Hernandez killing people (allegedly).
Now I almost miss Duck Hunt with Tebow.
It’s 2013, do we still really use those slurs? That answer, sadly, is yes. Then ESPN has to talk about it for three days in a row and give the word even more attention.
We live in Wyoming, high school bros and maybe even people older than that say it and they think it’s funny because no one calls them on it. We’ve all heard it. I’d like to say this is a small percentage of the population, but it’s one still out there. Look at Cooper and his ponytail on your TV, and think better of it.
It might seem a little harsh that his entire NFL career is now threatened by the use of one word when there are wife beaters and the like with second and third chances in the league, but hate speech is hate speech, and it seriously isolated Cooper in this situation.
Write a movie better than “Avatar”
I heard this week that there will be three more Avatar movies. It’s less than Cooper’s blatant slurs, but those crapstorms are racist in their own not-so-veiled statements about indigenous people. Honestly, out-writing James Cameron wouldn’t be hard. Children’s books have more intriguing dialogue than one of those visual vomit flicks.
Shoot a 59
Somehow, Tiger Woods has become completely flimsy in the clutch situation. He had a micro-meltdown example of this Friday afternoon at the Bridgestone Invitational.
I know, calling missing out on shooting a 59 a meltdown is extreme, but the scorecard was right there in front of him.
After a perfect set up shot, he overshot the pin on 16 then missed the fairway on 17, scrambled to his birdie to keep us all hoping only to whiff the fairway on 18 to come up short of a 59 with a 61.
Maybe now, since he got that out of the way, he can not choke Sunday.
Get 1,000 signatures on a “Fire Jeff Francis” petition
Nothing is more of a punch in the bare eyeball to a Rockies fan, withdrawn from wins, right in the midst of a classic weeklong hapless sputtering, than a sad-sack relief pitching appearance from consummate goofball no-chin Jeff Francis.
He’ll never go away. Can you say pitching culture cancer? Please stop bringing him back to the team.
Brainstorm Fantasy Football team names
It’s never too early: Hernandez Scuba Emporium, Can’t Believe It’s Not Cutler.
Tour Oregon’s new “Football Performance Center”
That place is bananas. If you haven’t seen it yet, go look at the pictures online of the Ducks new joint, a $68 million facility that looks like the main hanger of a starship from a sci-fi movie. I can’t stand Oregon’s seizure-inducing, eighties music video neon uniforms, but this looks like a nice place to hang out.
It includes a flock of hanging figurine ducks from the ceiling, one for every player that has gone to the NFL, squat racks set on Brazilian hardwood (not a joke), televisions embedded into the mirrors in coaches’ bathrooms and a better barbershop than you’ve ever been to.
American higher education, folks.
Make your own preseason Top 25
Pick teams out of a hat. Put Alabama at No. 1, then proceed to make the rest up. Because that list doesn’t matter. But hey, college football is almost here. And that’s an uplifting thing.
Others receiving votes: Cryogenic hibernation until next April and another Rockies season. Get a tattoo. Try HGH, just once.
Pray for the Broncos physiologist
I feel very little when I read about their players’ legs snapping like twigs every other day. At least Peyton’s head seems securely fastened this year. I’m not a Broncos fan. I have lived around Broncos fans my whole life. That’s why I’m not a Broncos fan.
A big reason why I’m a diehard Packers fan is because I live in Wyoming — I’ve been subject only to my own obnoxious fanboy syndrome, wallowing in my own sorrows and mine alone.
Go Duck Hunting with Tim Tebow
Come on, if you could get him to go, that would be funny.
High-five a Trooper
The Troopers are making one heck of a run at state this week, peaking in a rebuilding season where they’ve battled losing a good chunk of pitchers from last year.
Also, shout-out to Rich Adriaens for storekeeping and submissions from the road all year long.
Brad Estes is the Sheridan Press sports editor.